Three years ago, I started a new life.
I returned to a place not too far from where I was born, happy to be home. For many years, I lived abroad, far removed from everything that was familiar. My life across the pond wasn’t exactly peaceful, so I moved back with hopes of finding much-needed serenity. Of course I knew I would have to readjust to living back home, but being able to see my mother regularly was of great comfort. The peace was short-lived; several months following our return, chaos ensued and it’s continued to this day.
Amid all the philosophical declarations that life is not fair, shit happens, life sucks, it’s always calmest before the storm, etc., I beg to differ. I’m in the process of learning how to find my peace, regardless of what’s happening around me because I believe there’s real value in doing so. I don’t want to feel that calmness is just an illusion anymore. I’ve spent a large chunk of my life hiding behind a fake smile, assuring everyone that I was okay when I really wasn’t. Being in an abusive relationship will do that to a person; to the outside world, we present a brave smile to hide the chaos that’s really taking place inside of us. Illusory Calm.
I learned to stop pretending. What good was it doing me? None. How could I allow myself to fall apart without anyone knowing I was? What was so wrong with admitting that all was not okay with me? Nothing. The path to calm and serenity started with the acknowledgment that it was absent from my life. I couldn’t “wing it” forever. I realized that, to gain what I was missing, I had to declare that it was missing and figure out how to get it back.
One of the hardest lessons was learning how to ask for help and, in doing so, I felt more empowered. The way I see it, it’s a personal declaration that I won’t let circumstances get the better of me and if I need reinforcements to stop me from feeling overwhelmed, so be it.
This post is for everyone who’s experienced ~ or may be experiencing ~ “illusory calm”.
Isn’t it time we enjoyed a sense of real calm? Yes, I think so too.
Happy Feel-Good Friday!